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I'm a mess right now.
I'm sorry for this guys but I really have to do this, to get it out of my system at least.
So I've been sick with God knows what for over a year, right? I've just now got a neurology appointment but not until October cause apparently they're super busy. I don't know. This isn't the only problem.
My suspicions about my dad, are unfortunately correct, due to profile stalking of the suspected girlfriend. Apparently he never broke up with her in the first place. They've been dating since I was eight, six years when he promised he'd break up with her. Liar. But I have no room to talk. I have a problem. I'm always lying about something and it's the ability to lie well I picked up from him (the only reason i figured out his dirty little secret, is because I'm smart and am most certainly not head over heals for him like my mother.). Earlier this morning my mom burst in my room, shouting at me for all the things i didn't do. Not the right moment. I was up all night last night, not being able to sleep, only to gain a piercing headache, like a knife in my skull, and those stupid heart palpitations I get along with shakiness and nausea. It sucks when all of that is piled on you and headaches make my emotions fly.
Anyway I just nodded along to whatever she said and left, still yelling to my dad bout me. He told her to lay off me but that didn't stop my brain from going into over drive and crying for the first time in like, weeks, (the last time was a situation similar to this, except add a cold on top :/ which lasted for a week.). I was crying for almost thirty minutes, playing the same song on repeat, thinking about every lie i told. I often tell my mother that my headaches aren't a big deal but she made me get a neurology appointment anyway (and I was glad.) And, I've been hiding the truth of my father from her. My irish twin is the only other person, besides my best friends, who know and they all swore not to tell even though none of them really care.
I act like I don't care about a lot of things. Like when those football players at school are being jerks, i send back beautiful comebacks and remarks, acting like it doesn't bother me at all. But it builds up on top of the school work I never get done, due to the no motivation to do it. That also adds up. Then, band class, I used to love it but all of a sudden i lost all desire for it, just like soccer, and running, and walking around my small town that I live in. I'm not depressed no, at least I don't think, and if i was I wouldn't have a reason to be because none of this stuff really makes me...sad. It just angers me to the point i could throw punches (or possibly knives) but I don't. But all of this stress and pressure comes back up in vulnerable moments like these, making me cry at little things. Also I haven't slept in over 21 hours. It's been a long time. Insomnia or whatever isn't allowing me to sleep, is seriously getting annoying. I can't do this when school starts. I have until the 17th to get all of this in check or I'll be even moodier and sleepier than I already am on a regular basis. We have stairs to climb up, long distances to walk, and if I keep getting dizzy, nauseous, and wanting to pass out, that isn't going to be good. I'm going to die one of these days if i don't get this controlled and I have no idea what to do until October, which cant seem to come quite fast enough.
I'm a liar, mean, I stopped wanting to go to church like I used to love to do, making up every excuse I can to not go because I hardly feel like leaving my bed to eat because I feel so awful! It's terrible. Maybe it's all in my head, I don't know, but I just want it over with. Maybe this is because of a terrible thing I said when I was six. I told my mom I wished I had cancer, maybe this is my fault. Maybe it's because I told my ex friend I wanted her dead, maybe it's because I'm not that good of a person. I don't know but I just want to feel better but I can't. No matter what I've tried, vitamins, headache medicines, everything to get rid of at least some of this. I can hardly eat breakfast, ya know? It's worse in the morning, it always is. I get out of bed feeling dizzy and nauseous and I skip breakfast almost everyday, sometimes lunch too, because I cant eat. I mean yeah, that means I eat A TON at dinner and I always tell them i forgot when i really had no appetite until then. I don't do this on purpose but what's the point in eating when you might throw it back up.
Also, i had a surgery in 5th grade, for a lazy eye. I was told in a few years, like three or four, it might come back and I'd need another surgery. It's coming back, one of them anyway, but I don't want a surgery. It sucked. How about they try being blind for three days with red, bloody, bloodshot, and swollen eyes. It was terrible and they said it would get rid of my headaches since then. (Back then it was only headaches like once a month but since sixth-seventh it got worse). They lied. It only made me look better. It got rid of some of the strain but my vision only worsened and my headaches did too. And I don't want any of this anymore yet I still want to live. That's the reason I'm so scared. What if it's a tumor? What if I never get to grow up and become a doctor? What if I'm dying without knowing it? This is just too much right now and it sucks. My ex-friend is depressed and is threatening me because of what I said and I can't really apologize because honestly, I don't regret it. I have little emotions. I always have. Ever since i was eight. When my dad left for the first time. I seriously have no idea how to handle all of this or to tell anyone i know. I don't need a counselor cause it won't help. I won't say anything to them because I can't.
"I'm not great with advice, may I offer a sarcastic comment instead?"
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